How to never touch anyone ever again

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Physical contact? On one hand, it’s a vital form of human communication. On the other, it’s terrible.

Touching other people is one of humankind’s greatest fallacies. We all know touching people exposes us to germs, maybe diseases and definitely weird sweat, but we do it anyway. This is f*cking ridiculous.

Well, it’s time to slip on your latex gloves and take a stand. Your gross body is your own, and it doesn’t have to touch other gross bodies if it doesn’t want to.

If you love someone? Stay away from them. If you hate them, please do the same. Here’s how.

When someone tries to shake your hand, pretend you don’t know where their hand is.

Just shake hands with the air in front of you. The person will not try again.

Wear some gloves.

Warm gloves, fashion gloves, rubber gloves. Take your pick.

Wear that Green Man costume.

You’ve always wanted to!

Give yourself poison ivy.

There are people on the internet who sting themselves with bees on purpose. There are also people who light cacti on fire, then eat them — also on purpose. Join the ranks of these fine men and add urushiol poisoning to your morning routine. Rest assured no one will touch you.

Make sure you are always talking about something annoying.

Did you just get back from an EDM festival? Have you recently organized your medicine cabinet? Do you know the most about politics? Keep talking about those things and no one will ever want to come near you.

Make every high-five a fake-out high-five.

Wow, it’s so weird that everyone is too slow every single time.

Invest in an expensive suit.

A space suit.

Use WebMD to convince yourself of your many grievous ailments, then stay inside.

There is a 100% chance you are allergic to both skin and air. Better not risk it, right?

Three words: human-sized turtle shell.

We’re not saying it exists. We’re saying invent it. Do the work.

Good luck with your life of isolation!



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